Saving Marriage – Avoiding Divorce
When a couple decides to marry, many aspects of their future together have been discussed and agreed upon. Their individual pasts have been accepted and previous events or mistakes have been forgiven, Mutual values have been established and agreed upon. A commitment has been made and expectations are therefore assumed – knowing that life can be challenging and that they too will be faced with difficult circumstances. In time, they will likely be confronted with the dilemma of how to save their marriage.
You learned what is involved in commitment to marriage. What you didn’t see coming is knowing what is involved in maintaining the marriage. There are few disappointments more devastating than seeing your relationship deteriorate. At some point, one of you will wonder if the grass is really greener on the other side, and consider divorce as a means to this independence. You owe it to both you and your spouse to avoid jumping to conclusions, and first look into solutions which could save your marriage.
Over time, couples tend to make references to the past; focusing on mistakes, poor judgment, conflicts that were never resolved, etc…This creates resentment, tension, distrust, and even jealousy. Your attempt to reassure your partner will likely be met with an unwillingness to forgive as he or she is not satisfied that the issue has been resolved. Contempt and suspicion will prevail as long as there is no evidence to the contrary. Attention must be redirected to the present, to consider the truth, and the values you share in looking ahead into the future.
Have the patience to hear your partner’s feelings and concerns. Take the time to clarify and put into perspective the truth that is the source of the problem. Illustrate the fact that you have nothing to hide. Show your sincerity in your desire to reaffirm your commitment. Marriage means sharing and communicating your feelings, fears, aspirations, disappointments, or whatever. Anything that must be hidden from your spouse is eventually going to come back to haunt you.
In order to avoid what seems like inevitable divorce, go back to the expectations that you both assumed, but did not discuss. Evaluate how they fit your particular situation. Determine their relevance to ideals you may have imagined your marriage might be. Expectation is such a broad term implying numerous possibilities. Expectations are much like the unknown – situations or events that are unpredictable, unknowable and unforeseeable. Your journey together will require adjusting or adapting to various events and challenges that you will share your experiences in – for better or for worse.
This is exactly the point. Expectations mean different things to both of you. The idea was that no matter what the future holds, the marriage shall prevail and the both of you will adapt or embrace any changes or modifications necessary to maintaining stability in the marriage. You don’t need to change, nor does your spouse. Change is going to occur with or without you. You may as well revise your expectations to accommodate reasonable adjustment to external circumstances. You can accomplish this together – and to some degree – expect the unexpected – together.
If you are interested in learning more about how you can improve your marriage, and the role that self-improvement plays in the health of all relationships, I have provided links and related content on The Art of Saving Your Marriage blog site.
